Works of the
Devil: the Division of Labor in Hell
The Devil
doesn’t work too hard. Anytime this is called sloth, He is pleased.
One key to the Devil’s relaxed state is that He is satisfied with
handsome chance to capture a human soul. With almost no effort, He gets a crack
at sixteen percent of humankind for his eternal pleasure. Let’s break
down this sixteen percent, classifying the candidates into smaller groups
according to their qualifications.
Eight per
cent of souls dwell in people who are simply evil. At their arrival
the Devil breathes deeply, absorbing their putrid breath with his eyes
widened. He feels the blood rush of his destiny; his sense of purpose
comes flying back to him like a falcon to the falconer.
On earth,
the truly evil are rarely spotted: their powers of manipulation, the way they
replicate the faces of cordiality, grief and empathy take in ordinary
people. Evil souls work particularly well on people who claim to be
particularly keen or sensitive.
Another 7%
include the agnostic (or ‘Confused’), Buddhists, fanatics and corporate
executives. Of these, more in a moment.
Atheists
make up the last fraction, the last 1%. Dealing with them involves
a logical black hole because no one in Heaven believes in them. What’s
more, if Celestial Functionaries uncovered their existence, they would not be
welcome at the Gates, for there is to be no philosophizing in Heaven: answers
relevant to matters once important on earth, under the sea and in the air, were
provided in the Original Operating Manual. A stray atheist could produce
a fatal crack in the Celestial Aether.
The three
groups account an overall sixteen per cent: His arithmetic is a shade
off, but the Devil is not into details. In the form of a fraction of
mortal souls, the Devil claims a share of one-sixth (a repeating decimal of
01666etc. or 16.667 for short).
St. Peter’s
expert panel of saints (activated after the Second Council of Nicaea in 787AD)
rule on the Confused and the Buddhists – Amida, OK; Tantra, no way! and Zen,
depends. Fanatics are treated case-by-case. Where the
snake-handling or phrases such as ‘eternal fricasee’ are de riqueur, Heaven rules
against. Corporate executives are judged by the panel regarding their
fitness for Heaven, with an average drop rate of 7 in 10.
All
immigrants to Hell present their credentials at the customs house next to the
Gates of Hell. Due to Heaven’s very generous measuring stick, a small
number of the dead are presented to Customs at the Bakin’ Ranch. Even as
they check in bearing their earthly baggage, permanent guests get an invitation
to the Devil’s Ball.
The Atheist
deserves comment. As a thoroughgoing non-believer, he or she has several
options. Oblivious to the processing experience, she can return to Earth
or another planet in an infant state with a clean sheet, or based on native
disposition can resume a earthly path whether in scientific accomplishment,
central banking, elite military status or as an archaeologist. Or – and
this serves the Devil well – the individual can make ad-hoc contracts with Hell
for work on Earth. The Atheist may at his discretion also attend the
Devil’s Ball.
Despite the
small increments by which Hell grows, the Devil’s domain, His Wretched Ranch,
reaches its metaphysical limits from time to time. To get more space, He
has to petition Heaven. After an eternity of rounds, He has tired of the
ritualistic bargaining with the bureaucrats from the office of the Archangelic
Real Estate Commission. His trusted atheists cannot be his proxy.
This week,
from the brilliant ruminations of his broiling brain the Devil has again shown
why he is the Boss of Bosses, the King of Kaka, the Sultan of Sloth. He
will use the resources to hand to solve two of his three annoyances at the same
time. The basic simplicity of the answer requires us to understand
the work processes, talent, and incentives that lie beneath the Division of
Labor in Hell. When changes are made, it melts a little
cotton-candy cloud in the heavens – a small bonus. The key stratagem will
be vetting the Morally Dubious at the Devil’s weekly Bouncing Ball.
The group will
be regaled by the sweetly chaotic music the band pukes out. They’ll
mingle with the standard ugly souls, eat delicacies of the underworld and drink
flaming cocktails while they bellow over the music. The ebullient will
socialize widely from the start of the party; the shy will gain confidence.
The Devil’s devious will focus on the guests who are too genuine or pure or
earnest. Milder attendees might drink too little but and fail the simple tests
set out at the party; they’ll stick out by asking that the music be turned down
or attaching to a single person
Selfish and
boorish guests among the Morally Dubious will grade out as successful Hellions
and receive a promotion to full citizens of Hell. The Devil foresees that
the best of the worst will turn over tables, mouth off to the band, mob the bars
and try to break up couples that have been forming during the
event. For someone who sincerely misbehaves at the ball, Hell
has a career path.
Such a soul
is a godsend in solving the one of the Devil’s current problems: real-estate
acquisition. For some weakness survives in every soul.
Equipped with finer skills of deception but cloaked in modesty, the corrupt soul
can present himself to St. Peter’s Land Commission as a lamentably lost lamb
while hiding an aggressive hidden agende. Such a miscreant will come out of the
meeting with handsome gains the Commission will charitable and fairly dealt
with.
The second
problem has two dimensions: maintaining the Devil’s cred and keeping spirits up
in his domain. Whenever his reputation
suffers as a result of land negotiations, the Devil wants to reinforce his
reputation as a Hell-raiser and as a Punisher.
Middle
management has historically assumed most of the charge for the suite of
punishments and humiliations, and with the new blood of the perverted being infused
regularly into Hell, degradation always takes new forms. Often, Managers act on
imaginative ideas from individual Hellions.
Vacations
get approved swiftly, from select Heavenly locations for the advanced to drop-ins
at malls and NHL games. This philosophy, in the opinion of the Devil, further
demonstrates the superiority of Hell.
A new twist is the working vacation. Rising supervisors may choose to visit such places as Omaha,
Singapore, and Brussels to disrupt their orderly operations.
The Devil
has always looked to reward the crackerjack red souls. Any steady job
would be little compensation for a job ill-done on earth: for boredom itself is
used on the patrons as a part of the torment used on the Morally Weak. The evil sould be occupied with a
continuing variety of tasks, the chance to innovate and a regular change in
career stimulate the resident in Hell; here the two Afterworlds differ
completely. A distinguishing characteristic of Hell is this emphasis on
quality of life: work and play provide variety. .
Germinating
these ideas has taken more effort from the Devil than he likes. Millennia
ago, when He wore the hats of both Chief Operating Officer and Chief Executing
Officer, every day was both fruitful and exciting. He now has designees
in both offices. In keeping with His personal management ideas –
generated in the late three millions BC (this mode of telling time is repulsive
but convenient) – the Officers have immediate reports that work on the firing
lines.
Despite the mental
strain involved in changing policies and procedures, the Devil has experienced
a momentary flush of the old excitement He felt during hands-on direction of the
Excremental Empire. Revisiting the many contours of his domain must be
done more often, He thinks.
.
Changes are
coming at a millennial rate: anything could happen at anytime. Whenever something does, we will bring
you more news.
Yours sincerely,
Teddie von
Teufel
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