Khan the new players do it at Wimbledon?

As I write, four unlikely players line up against the top 4 men at Wimbledon.  Two have morning slots: Jean-Wilfried Tsonga and Bernard Tomic.  Tsonga is playing the third-seeded Federer while Tomic, an unseeded eighteen year old Australian, faces second-seeded Novak Djokovic of Croatia.

Tsonga has just won the third set at 6-4 after Federer's earlier domination, 6-3, 7-6.  Tsonga's forehand and serve have been parachuted down to Centre Court, just in time.  He moves with fluidity and an easy bounce, his feet getting set just before striking the ball.  In his native France he's likened to Mohammed Ali: the same focused face riding on solid shoulders.  He and Federer split two games for 1-1 in the third.  Tsonga has the lead at 40-30, break-point ... ah, he just broke serve for 2-1.

Tomic and Djokovic have scored in the opposite order, with the younger player winning the first sets.  In the third, the balls Djokovic has been hitting have been floating  langorously, leisurely over the net, matching the strokes Tomic had used from the start.  He adjusted in veteran fashion and changed the nature of the match at the time

NBC has not chosen to update the Tomic match in a half-hour.

Later, Mardy Fish, a US veteran of 29 and a late bloomer, will take on Rafael Nadal, who is ranked #1 in the world and seeded first here.  Fish awoke, he says, in the last several years to a new sense of maturity and began to play seriously.   It has paid off; he's #10 in the world.

The last match of the day is a battle between Andy Murray and  Feliciano Lopez of Spain.  Murray carries the pressure of representing the hopes of Great Britain to capture the men's Wimbledon championship for the first time in seventy-five years.  Fred Perry, a man whose name was an endorsement on polo shirts 50 years ago, was the last native man to win the tournament.  The joke out of England is that he's called an Englishman when he wins and a Scot when he loses.

Tsonga won the third set, 6-4, and now is serving for the fourth step.  NBC commentators had set up the match by speculating whether he would take a single set from Federer.  The question now in play is whether -- Tsonga having just won his serve and the fourth set -- Federer will win the single set he must win to secure the win.

Still no word on Tomic.  I suspect Djokovic must be sqashing him.  Or NBC is maintaining sole focus on the match here.

The greatest thing about Wimbledon this year is that the top four men's players could reach the semifinals.  Then again, four players (given that the momentary blackout of Tomic-Djokovic means nothing) that don't leap off the tongue, reach the semis, one of them getting their name on the clunky gold Edwardian jug.

Tsonga served perfectly in the opening game for 1-0, has just broken Federer for 2-0 and stands at 40-0 in the third game, second serve ... double-fault ... oops, out ... Federer breaks.  Now this could go either way.  Seriously, Federer just needs a scintilla of fire and whoosh!!

But not today, not so much.   And Tomic, and why they haven't referred to him, Djokovic did squash him.  All pretty prophesies in shreds.

The Devil Khandoit

Works of the Devil: the Division of Labor in Hell      

The Devil doesn’t work too hard.  Anytime this is called sloth, He is pleased.   One key to the Devil’s relaxed state is that He is satisfied with handsome chance to capture a human soul. With almost no effort, He gets a crack at sixteen percent of humankind for his eternal pleasure.  Let’s break down this sixteen percent, classifying the candidates into smaller groups according to their qualifications.

Eight per cent of souls dwell in people who are simply evil.   At their arrival the Devil breathes deeply, absorbing their putrid breath with his eyes widened.  He feels the blood rush of his destiny; his sense of purpose comes flying back to him like a falcon to the falconer.  

On earth, the truly evil are rarely spotted: their powers of manipulation, the way they replicate the faces of cordiality, grief and empathy take in ordinary people.  Evil souls work particularly well on people who claim to be particularly keen or sensitive.

Another 7% include the agnostic (or ‘Confused’), Buddhists, fanatics and corporate executives. Of these, more in a moment. 

Atheists make up the last fraction, the last 1%.   Dealing with them involves a logical black hole because no one in Heaven believes in them.  What’s more, if Celestial Functionaries uncovered their existence, they would not be welcome at the Gates, for there is to be no philosophizing in Heaven: answers relevant to matters once important on earth, under the sea and in the air, were provided in the Original Operating Manual.  A stray atheist could produce a fatal crack in the Celestial Aether.

The three groups account an overall sixteen per cent:  His arithmetic is a shade off, but the Devil is not into details.  In the form of a fraction of mortal souls, the Devil claims a share of one-sixth (a repeating decimal of 01666etc. or 16.667 for short).

St. Peter’s expert panel of saints (activated after the Second Council of Nicaea in 787AD) rule on the Confused and the Buddhists – Amida, OK; Tantra, no way! and Zen, depends.  Fanatics are treated case-by-case.  Where the snake-handling or phrases such as ‘eternal fricasee’ are de riqueur, Heaven rules against.  Corporate executives are judged by the panel regarding their fitness for Heaven, with an average drop rate of 7 in 10.

All immigrants to Hell present their credentials at the customs house next to the Gates of Hell.  Due to Heaven’s very generous measuring stick, a small number of the dead are presented to Customs at the Bakin’ Ranch.  Even as they check in bearing their earthly baggage, permanent guests get an invitation to the Devil’s Ball.

The Atheist deserves comment. As a thoroughgoing non-believer, he or she has several options.  Oblivious to the processing experience, she can return to Earth or another planet in an infant state with a clean sheet, or based on native disposition can resume a earthly path whether in scientific accomplishment, central banking, elite military status or as an archaeologist.  Or – and this serves the Devil well – the individual can make ad-hoc contracts with Hell for work on Earth.  The Atheist may at his discretion also attend the Devil’s Ball.

Despite the small increments by which Hell grows, the Devil’s domain, His Wretched Ranch, reaches its metaphysical limits from time to time.  To get more space, He has to petition Heaven.  After an eternity of rounds, He has tired of the ritualistic bargaining with the bureaucrats from the office of the Archangelic Real Estate Commission.  His trusted atheists cannot be his proxy.

This week, from the brilliant ruminations of his broiling brain the Devil has again shown why he is the Boss of Bosses, the King of Kaka, the Sultan of Sloth.  He will use the resources to hand to solve two of his three annoyances at the same time.   The basic simplicity of the answer requires us to understand the work processes, talent, and incentives that lie beneath the Division of Labor in Hell.   When changes are made, it melts a little cotton-candy cloud in the heavens – a small bonus.  The key stratagem will be vetting the Morally Dubious at the Devil’s weekly Bouncing Ball.

The group will be regaled by the sweetly chaotic music the band pukes out.  They’ll mingle with the standard ugly souls, eat delicacies of the underworld and drink flaming cocktails while they bellow over the music.  The ebullient will socialize widely from the start of the party; the shy will gain confidence.  The Devil’s devious will focus on the guests who are too genuine or pure or earnest.  Milder attendees might drink too little but and fail the simple tests set out at the party; they’ll stick out by asking that the music be turned down or attaching to a single person

Selfish and boorish guests among the Morally Dubious will grade out as successful Hellions and receive a promotion to full citizens of Hell.  The Devil foresees that the best of the worst will turn over tables, mouth off to the band, mob the bars and try to break up couples that have been forming during the event.    For someone who sincerely misbehaves at the ball, Hell has a career path. 

Such a soul is a godsend in solving the one of the Devil’s current problems: real-estate acquisition.  For some weakness survives in every soul.  Equipped with finer skills of deception but cloaked in modesty, the corrupt soul can present himself to St. Peter’s Land Commission as a lamentably lost lamb while hiding an aggressive hidden agende. Such a miscreant will come out of the meeting with handsome gains the Commission will charitable and fairly dealt with.

The second problem has two dimensions: maintaining the Devil’s cred and keeping spirits up in his domain.  Whenever his reputation suffers as a result of land negotiations, the Devil wants to reinforce his reputation as a Hell-raiser and as a Punisher. 

Middle management has historically assumed most of the charge for the suite of punishments and humiliations, and with the new blood of the perverted being infused regularly into Hell, degradation always takes new forms. Often, Managers act on imaginative ideas from individual Hellions.  

Vacations get approved swiftly, from select Heavenly locations for the advanced to drop-ins at malls and NHL games.  This philosophy, in the opinion of the Devil, further demonstrates the superiority of Hell.  A new twist is the working vacation.  Rising supervisors may choose to visit such places as Omaha, Singapore, and Brussels to disrupt their orderly operations.

The Devil has always looked to reward the crackerjack red souls.  Any steady job would be little compensation for a job ill-done on earth: for boredom itself is used on the patrons as a part of the torment used on the Morally Weak.  The evil sould be occupied with a continuing variety of tasks, the chance to innovate and a regular change in career stimulate the resident in Hell; here the two Afterworlds differ completely.  A distinguishing characteristic of Hell is this emphasis on quality of life: work and play provide variety. .

Germinating these ideas has taken more effort from the Devil than he likes.   Millennia ago, when He wore the hats of both Chief Operating Officer and Chief Executing Officer, every day was both fruitful and exciting.  He now has designees in both offices.  In keeping with His personal management ideas – generated in the late three millions BC (this mode of telling time is repulsive but convenient) – the Officers have immediate reports that work on the firing lines. 

Despite the mental strain involved in changing policies and procedures, the Devil has experienced a momentary flush of the old excitement He felt during hands-on direction of the Excremental Empire.  Revisiting the many contours of his domain must be done more often, He thinks. 

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Changes are coming at a millennial rate: anything could happen at anytime.  Whenever something does, we will bring you more news.

Yours sincerely,

Teddie von Teufel